Ugh, Let’s Try This Again (My Ego Will Not Give Up, Will It?)
How do I describe to you the Love of God? The moment I say love, you will have thoughts about ego love, infatuation, desire, moments of relief. That’s not it. How do I describe to you what it feels like to remember the original thought? I know it’s in there, in your mind, just as it is in every mind. And it is the same for everyone, even though you might want yours to be special, different, better. God’s Love is universally the same for everyone and everything.
Beyond your reckoning, past your youth, long before your first memory in this life, there is a longing, an ancient desire, like a diamond covered in layers of dust and muck, caked over and nearly forgotten. Fall through the layers of your emotions. Start with passion, then shame. Think of the most shameful memory you have. Maybe you wet the bed at a friend’s sleepover. Or perhaps you said something you thought was stupid, or maybe you’ve been in politics, so everything you have said was an embarrassment. Let the feeling of shame cover you, and notice other people seeing your shame.
Now imagine the people are gone and you are left with guilt. It’s a rich, thick feeling. Think about something you said about someone that wasn’t true, or that time when you stole something, or a time when someone else was blamed for something you did and you never owned it. Hold on to that thought and allow it to overwhelm your mind. Go deeply, and allow the memory to surface and hold on to it as long as you can; and if you can’t think of anything you’re not thinking deeply enough.
Let’s go deeper, and reach for sadness and loss. Think of a time when you or someone you love did something that made you feel loss. Maybe they died, or perhaps someone stole something or someone from you. Let the feeling wash over you, and hold on to it. Face the loss and sadness, and let it make you cry. Again, if you feel as though you’ve never lost anything or had a feeling of sadness, you’re not thinking deeply enough, because you’re living on the planet of despair and loneliness, so it’s in there; you just need to let it surface.
It doesn’t matter what the loss was, just that you feel it now. All loss is the same – an expectation dashed, a value expired or snatched from our tight grasp. A person or a thing; again, it doesn’t matter. Just allow the feelings to overwhelm you.
Uncovering all the deep-seated emotions that are bottled up inside you is just a cover for the anger that is lodged at the base of these emotions. As a species, and as egos, we harbor more anger than any other emotion. If we uncovered our deep hatred for one another, the sharp pain of anger we have stuffed down throughout not just this life, but for many lifetimes, perhaps in our own minds, or maybe in our genetics, or perhaps in our brains, we might never ask why we don’t kill each other more often. The ego hates, and has created a god of hate to prove it. And the god of hate has multiple bibles and scriptures, laws and punishments to express that anger and hatred.
Feel the anger deep within. We don’t want justice, we want revenge! Every day we get interrupted, held down, misunderstood, not listened to and we forge new veins of hatred and condemnation. We want to lash out at those around us. We don’t just want what other people have, we want what they have and to make sure they can’t have it, as proof of our specialness. What good is heaven if anyone can go there? Fuck that, right? The anger and hatred is massive, like a huge block of lead, crushing your mind.
Except the anger is also just a cover. The anger you feel is a cover for the fear that lies beneath the anger. Danger is all around us. We cannot trust anyone, for they will take what we have, put an end to our lifestyle, crush our happiness, kill us if they get a chance, rape us and laugh at our sorrow.
Fear. The ego only offers fear. Fear of the god of hate. Don’t piss off god, he’ll fuck you up. Don’t trust anyone you don’t know, they only want to harm you and your family. Don’t trust people who are not the same color as you, don’t trust a god that doesn’t have the same hatred you have, for it must be a myth and not real. Don’t trust anyone or anything. Don’t trust nature, a storm will come and sweep you away, drowning you like a rat on a sinking ship.
At the base of the ego’s god is hatred and fear. It’s where the devil resides, waiting for you to slip up and tumble down into his clutches. The devil tells you that god hates you, you sinner, you evil, ungrateful pile of excrement. I’ve been here in ways you cannot even imagine, and I have hit the bottom of fear and bounced along like a dead fish on a hook being dragged by a sleeping fisherman, too drunk to know I had latched onto his bait and not caring enough to draw in his line and toss my now-decaying carcass back overboard. And when I grabbed the devil by the lapels and held it in front of me, screaming at it to tell me why it had chased me and caused so much trouble for me for so long, I realized that I was holding nothing but air.
And when I dropped my suitcase and sat down for an instant, I realized that none of those feelings were the Truth. The Truth is that nothing I ever did was shameful. I had nothing to feel guilty for, no crime had been committed. Nothing had been lost. My anger was not justified because my space had not been violated. Nothing had happened to make me fearful because everything that had happened had happened because I had asked for it to happen. How could I fear anyone, if they were all me?
The only thing to fear isn’t fear itself, it’s nothing. There is nothing to fear because there is only God. You and I, as bodies, ephemeral beings that flash from one life to another on planets that circle stars that all eventually burn out and turn to darkness, or at least beige, are a cover for our unwillingness to say we were wrong about everything.
The longing you feel at the base of all those other emotions, that ancient draw that pulls you, tugs at your heartstrings, that memory at the tip of your mind that you just can’t seem to solidify, and you can’t seem to escape either, is home calling you.
We all fell asleep and had a nightmare. And at that moment, we fell into our trance of hide and seek. God whispered in our ear to tell us that it was all just a silly dream, and that whisper is the Holy Spirit, waiting patiently for us to allow It to wake us up.
Search your feelings, begin to identify them and then allow the Holy Spirit to interpret them for you.